Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I enjoy the company of your penis
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
