i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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