i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
