I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
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Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
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I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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