barbara walters just said penis...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
