there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
please come you make the beer taste better
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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