giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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