He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.