how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that