What should our trivia night team be named?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
it glows. i had to have it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss