I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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