i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
