Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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