my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
