Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
