Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
my shit smells like andre
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
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