Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
