when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
