Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
