Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
