the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
