My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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