I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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