Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
