i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
