I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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