im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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