You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
