look no pants
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
