Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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