you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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