i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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