Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
