if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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