i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
