Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
