i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
