Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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