So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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