Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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