So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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