My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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