Cold hands, warm shart.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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