Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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