you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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