I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
