Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Everclear isn't food dammit
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
