If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
