Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
My liver just had a heart attack.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
