I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
