bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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