why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
