mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
i now understand why vodka
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
