then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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