You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
