what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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