So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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