She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
